


I said I'd rather try to hold on to you forever.

by Anonymous



Series: Blood Harmony [3]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Original Character(s), This hurt to write oof, Woosang is really minor tho, babies:((, they swear a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:15:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23054554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Hongjoong can already hear the question in Seonghwa's tongue and can already see himself running away.He doesn't want to hurt Seonghwa but can't ignore the voice in his head screaming for him to get away, either.
Relationships: Jung Wooyoung/Kang Yeosang, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Series: Blood Harmony [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1656457
Comments: 8
Kudos: 69
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> expect a woosang story wink wonk. Enjoy :).
> 
> I used cursive for the texts. My friend told me it confused her but fck off idk WHAT ELSE TO DO :< I hope it's not confusing for y'all or I'm gonna cry.
> 
> As always, I will fix any mistakes tomorrow bdjsjdjs
> 
> Edit: I've decided to split this up in two chapters. My friend told me she would never read something this long bdjsjdjs that lazy mf

Seonghwa laid awake in his bed.

There was something missing, a close source of warmth, that sense of safety.

Seonghwa shifted, laying on his side to stare at his empty bed.

He couldn't take it. He wanted Hongjoong to come back, he wanted him there by his side.

It didn't matter that Hongjoong seemed to not to have time for them to be together anymore, it didn't matter that Hongjoong ran away with excuses every time they talked about their relationship-

Seonghwa didn't care. He just wanted Hongjoong to be with him.

A broken sob left his body as he stretched his arm to grab his phone from the nightstand. He dealt Hongjoong's number.

_"The person you're trying to reach is-"_

He murmured curses and tried again.

_"The person you're trying to reach is-"_

_"The person you're trying to-"_

_"The person you're trying to reach-"_

_"The person you're-"_

_"The person-"_

_"The-"_

He yelled into his pillow and remained unmoving, just trying to not to cry his heart out.

He rubbed his eyes and resumed to text.

_We don't have to talk about anything anymore_

_Just please come back_

_It's midnight, it's dangerous. Come back._

_I need you_

_I don't want you to be my boyfriend. I just need you here_

_Please_

I love you.

He didn't send that last one.

I love you, I love you, I love you-

He so desperately wanted, needed to say those words.

-

Four days later and he was feeling so miserable, that he told his friends he would be absent from practice, that he was too tired. That's what he told his friends.

That he was too tired. _Sure_.

Seonghwa didn't want to move from his bed, the place where he and Hongjoong had shared meaningful looks and smiles.

Well, at least they were meaningful to Seonghwa.

Hongjoong could just go and leave a broken heart behind, right? It was that easy for him.

Seonghwa wanted to be angry but he just couldn't reach a point where he could pull himself out of his own pity party, fueled only by anger and out of sheer spite. He couldn't.

Seonghwa remembered Hongjoong's smile, his cute little nose, his expressive eyes-

Seonghwa felt like crying all over again-

He could feel Hongjoong's touch, the way it would make his skin tingle. Only Hongjoong's body could make that intense fire burn deep inside of him.

Seonghwa missed Hongjoong's kisses already, missed his voice and even his hair.

And, oh, would you look at that. He was crying again.

Seonghwa was dreading his time without Hongjoong. He was so used to his presence, so used to see that tiny human being around, that his absence felt heavy on Seonghwa's shoulders.

He always liked days in when Hongjoong was with him. They would watch movies and take baths together, they would order food and then kiss for hours, tasting dishes on their tongues.

Now, however, Seonghwa just wanted to sleep. He couldn't think about Hongjoong if he was asleep, right?

His phone vibrated in his hand (he always kept it close, just in case) and he would like to say that he wasn't disappointed to see that it was a notification from his friends' group chat.

  
_**We're the gays oh yeah, the gays♡** _

_Wiiwoo: hwa we're comin over cook some ramen pls_

_Jonghoho, happy chrimas: stfu maybe dude's mad what did yall do_

_YUNHO LIKES GUYS NOW: wooyoung is such a dumbass_

_YUNHO LIKES GUYS NOW: also I hate to say this but maybe we should leave hwa alone, he didn't sound so good when we called him_

_YUNHO LIKES GUYS NOW: yall know he likes to be alone to think things over. He will tell us if he wants us there._

_YUNHO LIKES GUYS NOW: right hwa???_

_Yeosang finally sang: I hate HATE to say this but maybe the dumb giant is right._

_YUNHO LIKES GUYS NOW: wow. S T F U._

_YUNHO LIKES GUYS NOW: get this dumb ass fairy ass bitch ass flat ass fuxking bitch OUTTA HERE_

_Wiiwoo: what the FUCK did you just call my boyfriend????_

_Yeosang finally sang: don't expect me to bake cookies for you you're BANNED from our gay get togethers. Have fun without my cookies, Bitch._

_YUNHO LIKES GUYS NOW: idgaf hwa will steal some cookies for me right hwa??_

_YUNHO LIKES GUYS NOW: guys he's reading everything but he hasn't said a thing_

_YUNHO LIKES GUYS NOW: hwa please talk to us. I'm worried. What happened?_

_Wiiwoo: you know what_

_Wiiwoo: I don't give a FUCK if he wants to be alone. Imma bake some cookies with my little angel and baby the FUCK OUTTA YOU HWA ARE YOU READING THIS_

_Jonghoho, happy chrimas: alright I'm gonna buy his favorite ice cream who wants to go to the convenience store w me_

_YUNHO LIKES GUYS NOW: oh me! See you there?_

Seonghwa put his phone down with a sigh.

His friends were that quick to notice something was off? Seonghwa didn't even mention something being wrong, yet they still just kind of knew?

Seonghwa cleaned his face with the sleeves of his shirt and got up. There was nothing that could stop his friends now, he may as well just cook for them.

He pointedly ignored the memories of all the times Hongjoong had asked Seonghwa to cook for him.

Hongjoong would whine for a few minutes, but that never worked on Seonghwa. He would act cute, making puppy like noises and scratching under Seonghwa's chin. That would always put a smile on Seonghwa's face, no matter how tired or mad he was.

Seonghwa would agree to cook only if Hongjoong agreed to wear those tight, white leather shorts and the thigh high stockings Seonghwa had bought for their second month together.

Hongjoong would roll his eyes every time, calling him a pervert. He would walk around wearing nothing but the shorts and the stockings, nonetheless. Hongjoong was shameless like that, wouldn't even look at Seonghwa's hungry eyes.

Seonghwa would wait until they were done eating to coax Hongjoong into doing some nasty stuff on whatever surface they could reach first. They never cared.

They were making memories, as Seonghwa liked to think.

Memories that haunted him now.

In that couch, Seonghwa had his first time as the...uh, bottom.

In that carpet, they rolled around kissing and laughing until Hongjoong had begun to take his clothes off and Seonghwa had no option but to kiss every single freckle on his body.

In that kitchen, they baked cookies for the first time after Yeosang had complained about him being the only one always making cookies. They burned them and Yeosang never complained again.

In that kitchen, they had done things that you're not supposed to do in a kitchen.

Seonghwa had licked cream off Hongjoong's lips.

Seonghwa remembered how messy they got that day, eating things off each other's bodies.

His chest tightened and his eyes threatened to release Seonghwa's pain in the form of tiny little drops of salty water. He cleared his throat and began to cook.

Jesus, how he wished he could just stop thinking about him.

He was in the middle of deciding what juice should he give to his friends, when he saw the bottle of Hongjoong's favorite juice-

Or, well, the one Seonghwa supposed was Hongjoong's favorite-

Then, Seonghwa realized that he knew basically nothing about the man he claimed to love.

Seonghwa supposed orange juice was Hongjoong's favorite because he had found him drinking it plenty of times.

Did Hongjoong ever share something about himself?

Seonghwa tried to remember. Anything.

Did Seonghwa know any of his friends? No.

Did Seonghwa know something as trivial as what was Hongjoong's favorite juice? No.

The knocks on his door startled him. He could hear his friends arguing outside of his apartment.

He knew, jesus, he knew he would find his friends there when he opened the door, yet he still hoped to see Hongjoong.

"Yo, how's our favorite old man!"

Seonghwa felt his face wrinkling as he sobbed into his hands.

Great, now he couldn't even pretend to be fine in front of his friends.

"Hwa, why are you crying-?"

"Oh my god, maybe we should call the tiny dude-"

"Hongjoong and I fought a few days ago and he isn't replying to my texts or answering my calls and I just realized I don't really know him. It makes no sense, because it feels like I've shared so much with him-"

Yunho shushed him quietly, throwing an arm around Seonghwa's shaking shoulders.

"Let's go sit and calm down so we can talk and cuddle, okay?"

Seonghwa looked up and frowned "where's Wooyoung?"

"He said it'll take them fourty five more minutes, they're making those chocolate cookies you like" said Jongho, getting in with multiple bags hanging from his arms "so we bought ice cream, a pillow- I don't know why, marshmallows, chocolate and...wine!"

Seonghwa snorted, letting his friends drag him to the couch "a pillow? Why would you-"

Yunho gave him a little smile as he patted Seonghwa's back "take it as a gift"

Seonghwa sat down on the couch. Jongho opened one of the ice cream cups and gave it to him.

Vanilla, his favorite.

"I'll go get you a spoon. Yunho, you know what to do"

Seonghwa frowned as he saw Yunho nod once, firmly and then run to Seonghwa's room. Seonghwa just waited for them.

Jongho came back with three spoons and gave one to Seonghwa. Yunho came bursting out of Seonghwa's room with a mess of blankets, pillows and plushies in his arms.

Yunho let the blankets fall to the floor in front of Seonghwa and began to arrange them to form sort of a mattress.

"I've always liked your carpet, it's really soft and fluffy!"

Seonghwa hummed, trying to smile.

Hongjoong used to say the same.

When his eyes started to sting he lowered his head and pretended to eat his ice cream. Yunho and Jongho had started to fight over one of Seonghwa's plushies.

"No, little dude, you're letting snot fall on the ice cream" mumbled Jongho, cupping Seonghwa's face to make him look up.

Yunho started to dab the sleeve of his shirt on Seonghwa's face.

Their eyes were soft, not pitiful or mocking, like the ugly voice in his head was telling him and they were smiling at him in a way that Seonghwa found weirdly comforting.

They sat one at each of his sides, leaving him in the middle of their warm bodies.

"Tell us what happened, yeah? Take your time...breathe in and out"

Seonghwa let Yunho take the ice cream from his hands and followed Jongho's breathing exercises.

They must've looked so dumb but Seonghwa found that it really was helping. He kept doing them for a few minutes.

Seonghwa looked down at his hands, trying to remember what had happened that last night together.

"Uh- so, he got here from the studio, he said he was really tired..."

* * *

  
_"I'm so tired, I think my eyeballs are going to fall off"_

_Seonghwa chuckled._

_"You could have just gone to your apartment, you know-"_

_Hongjoong interrupted him with a kiss "I told you I would come and here I am"_

_Yes, and Seonghwa was so glad._

_Hongjoong flinched as he poked Seonghwa's cheeks "can we...maybe...just go to bed? To sleep?" He asked in a tiny voice._

_"No, if you don't give me sex I will kick you out" Seonghwa rolled his eyes, his voice humorless "of course we can use the bed to rest, dumbass"_

_"Just making sure. The other day you didn't leave me alone not for a second" Hongjoong yelled as he made his way to the bathroom._

_"You say it as if you didn't enjoy it"_

_"Don't bust up your own ego, Hwa. It's bad for you and the people around you-"_

_"Oh, shut up"_

_Hongjoong laughed and shut the door of the bathroom. Seonghwa heard the shower a few minutes later._

_He smiled. Having Hongjoong there felt so much better than to just be alone._

_"Want some tea?" He questioned loudly from his kitchen._

_He heard a humming sound "no, it's fine, I just want to sleep!"_

_Seonghwa turned off the lights in his living room and kitchen, leaving on the ones in he hallway. He went to his room and changed his clothes for his pajamas._

_He laid down in his bed, waiting for Hongjoong._

_Hongjoong walked in the room a few moments later with a towel wrapped around his body and his red hair falling on his face._

_"I'm going to need you to lend me some underwear and one of your pajamas"_

_"You know where they are"_

_Seonghwa closed his eyes to give Hongjoong some privacy. He knew he didn't have to, Hongjoong wasn't ashamed to walk around naked, but he just wanted to. It felt somewhat more respectful._

_The next time Seonghwa opened his eyes, the lights were off and he had a comforting weight on his chest._

_Hongjoong was already blinking slowly, his breath evening out._

_Seonghwa knew the other had expressed how tired he was, he knew that he probably wasn't willing to have the long conversation Seonghwa wanted them to-_

_But he just had to do it. He felt like he would choke on those words if he didn't let them out._

_"It's our fifth month anniversary, in exactly a week"_

_Hongjoong just hummed._

_Seonghwa kind of expected a different reaction?_

_Like Hongjoong looking up and saying something. Anything._

_It hurt. He knew he was probably the most dramatic man ever, but it hurt._

_Hongjoong was just tired. He would surely say something in the morning, right?_

_"Remember that in two weeks we play in that fancy club? You should invite your friends, I kind of want to meet them properly"_

_"Hwa, can we talk about all of this in the morning? I just want to rest right now-"_

_"You never want to talk when it's about our plans or your friends or-"_

_Hongjoong sighed and sat on the bed, his back facing Seonghwa. He heard Hongjoong sigh multiple times as he rubbed his face._

_"I'll go to my apartment"_

_Hongjoong stood up and got out of the room._

_Was he seriously leaving just because he didn't want to talk?_

_Seonghwa followed him, a little baffled, a little confused and angry, but he would say that the panic he was feeling was more overpowering than any other emotion._

_"Wait- are you seriously leaving because I made you a question?"_

_"You just-"_

_Hongjoong groaned as he took his backpack from the couch-_

_When did he put that there? Seonghwa couldn't remember._

_"You make everything so complicated!"_

_"Complicated? I asked you a question! How is that-"_

_"I was going to go alone! Why would you want to meet my friends?"_

_Seonghwa frowned, narrowing his eyes just so the tears wouldn't spill out._

_He opened his mouth to say something but words were scattered around his brain, none of them actually made it out of his mouth._

_Why would Seonghwa want to meet Hongjoong's friends? Was he for fucking real?_

_"Because we've been in a relationship for almost five months?"_

_Hongjoong let out a little laugh as he tugged at his hair. Seonghwa held himself back from telling Hongjoong to not to hurt himself._

_Hongjoong looked at him one more time and let out another laugh, he rubbed his face harshly._

_Seonghwa could feel his anger melt away._

_Why did Hongjoong look so demolished? Why did his laugh sound so...miserable?_

_Why could Seonghwa see tears in his eyes? Why-?_

_"This isn't a relationship, Seonghwa. This is just...a thing"_

_Seonghwa could feel his heart begin to shatter-_

_"I'm sorry if- if you misunderstood-"_

_"Can it become a relationship? Will I be able to call you my boyfriend someday?"_

_Seonghwa's stomach was beginning to hurt and he thought he would vomit, no matter what the words coming out of Hongjoong's mouth were. His hands shaking, really expecting Hongjoong's answer to be-_

_"I don't- I'm not looking for a relationship, Seonghwa. I'm sorry, but no."_

_Seonghwa's world was blurry and his hands went up to his face._

_He felt stupid, ashamed of the love he was feeling for the man in front of him, even after what he had said._

_"Then go. I can't- I want to- I want you to be mine, I want to call you my boyfriend in front of everyone, I want to meet your friends-"_

_Jesus, Seonghwa thought everything was breaking inside of him. Everything hurt._

_It hurt to look at Hongjoong, so Seonghwa turned around to go back to his room._

_"If you say that I can't have that, then go."_

_Seonghwa heard nothing but the sound of Hongjoong's breaths and then the door opening and closing._

_Seonghwa let his pain out as he tried walk, his legs feeling like they would give out under his weight._

* * *

  
Surprisingly, he wasn't crying.

But he felt like was going to.

Seonghwa was leaning on Yunho's shoulder, Jongho's hand caressing his back gently.

"I think...dude isn't ready for a relationship. You're always ready to give everything you are to someone but...not everyone is like that" softly murmured Yunho.

"Maybe I should've stayed quiet. I was my fault, anyway. I misunderstood-"

"It's not your fault" scolded Jongho "if you really didn't know how he felt is because he didn't tell you. Yeah, maybe you should try to not to get so attached so quickly but he should really talk about his intentions before everything just goes to shit"

They heard knocks and Wooyoung's loud voice.

"We should have bought more wine, don't you think?"

"We don't want him to feel like shit tomorrow, love"

Jongho stood up and hurried to open the door.

Wooyoung rushed in and when his eyes found Seonghwa's, he looked just like a worried mother.

"Oh, my poor old man" he cooed, going to kneel in front of Seonghwa and kissing his cheeks multiple times "that fucking gnome is going to pay-"

"That's not the way we're approaching the subject" hissed Jongho, sitting back down next to him.

"Fuck off-" began Wooyoung but was quickly interrupted.

"Behave, Woo"

Wooyoung looked up at his boyfriend and let out a huff.

"Let's watch a movie, that'll make you feel better" said Wooyoung, smiling widely.

"Not just any movie, Hwa's favorite movie" softly said Yeosang. Jesus, how was his voice so smooth and quiet and adorable?

Seonghwa looked at his friends and felt the urge to cry and not just out of sadness this time.


	2. Chapter 2

Hongjoong's back protested at his sudden movement.

He looked down to see a sheet of paper with words scattered everywhere. It also had some wet spots on it, probably saliva and tears.

Hongjoong fell back on his chair with a sigh. He looked up to the ceiling, not blinking for a few seconds.

He...didn't know what to do.

And he was terribly tired.

Every part of Hongjoong's body was sore and not letting him move freely. It's not like he wanted to do much, anyway. He had been going to the bathroom and eating occasionally, only when he remembered that he would die if he didn't at least eat something once a day.

The last time he had showered was in Seonghwa's apartment and he was still wearing Seonghwa's pajamas and underwear, his feet had little blisters everywhere from wearing his boots without socks and he was...

He was feeling so miserable.

All the lyrics he had been able to come up with were about Seonghwa, were so sad that Eden had recommend him to never let them see the light of day.

"They're not that sad" Hongjoong had argued.

Eden snorted and took the sheet of paper.

"You went into it thinking everything has to last forever, I'm sorry I am not what you wanted, what you needed" Eden had read outloud, rising an eyebrow at Hongjoong.

"I will...come up with something good. I will"

Eden had looked at him with pity in his eyes, left a sandwich in the table and got out.

Hongjoong knew he looked like shit but he didn't think he deserved those pitying looks. He was _fine_.

Just going through something. Nothing big, nothing too important-

He just fucked up again. Nothing new. He had to go and break Seonghwa's heart and his own, didn't he?

Hongjoong hated how scared and jumpy he got every time they had to talk about plans or meeting friends and family. He hated that he just had to run away or he felt trapped.

Hongjoong liked Seonghwa, he really did and he hated that he couldn't just ask Seonghwa to be his boyfriend.

It wasn't too much of a sacrifice and Hongjoong's heart would do a little jump in his chest at the thought of calling Seonghwa his boyfriend-

He was just so scared.

Hongjoong grabbed his phone and turned it on. Texts and notifications of missing calls flooded in, even causing his phone to get stuck and not work for a few seconds.

Hongjoong frowned. What could have possibly happened in the outside world for his friends to go that crazy?

He had been gone only for four days, fuck's sake!

_Sani_

_Hey you olD MAN_

_answer my text_

_HELLOOOoooo_

  
_You have fifteen missing calls from contact Sani._

  
_It's been three days already_

_Are you fucking dead OR WHAT_

_I'm worried can you please call or whatever_

_Just speak to mingo or me idc just please tell me ur okay_

  
_You have ten missing calls from contact Sani._

  
_Where are you_

_Are you eating well_

_Are you even sleeping?_

_:(_

_Where are you I miss you_

_:((((((_

_Can you please JUST FUCKING CALL_

  
The last ones where from two hours prior.

  
_I'm in your apartment_

_Don't ask how I got in_

_You're not here and if you're not here you're in the studio_

_I'll go see you when I get done with the dance classes. I better find you alive and well fed or imma fucking riot._

  
Hongjoong sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

  
_Mingi uwu_

_Joong_

_San says ur not answering his calls or messages_

_Are u okay?_

_Can I go see you? I have a bad feeling_

  
_You have ten missing calls from contact Mingi uwu._

  
_Heyyyyyyy_

_JOONG_

_come on I'm worried pls take care of yourself_

_Wherever u are_

_;((((((_

  
_You have five missing calls from contact Mingi uwu._

  
_San and I are going to go to the studio_

_You better be okay_

_San is fucking furious_

_Take care of yourself_

_Pls_

He also had texts and missing calls from...Seonghwa.

Should he read them?

Hongjoong's hands started to sweat and he bit his lip, tapping the notifications of Seonghwa's texts.

  
_Hwa ;)_

_We don't have to talk about anything anymore_

_Just please come back_

_It's midnight, it's dangerous. Come back._

_I need you_

_I don't want you to be my boyfriend. I just need you here_

_Please_

  
Hongjoong took a deep breath, looking up and blinking repeatedly to try and make the tears go away.

Why did it hurt so much? Why couldn't he just go and kiss Seonghwa, tell him that he was ready for their thing to become something more?

Why was he so-

He knew he had called Seonghwa complicated but, truth was, he was the complicated one.

He was scared, of what? He didn't know.

Hongjoong wanted to see Seonghwa but what if he didn't want Hongjoong anymore? What if he hated Hongjoong?

What if Hongjoong just couldn't fix what he had done?

Would he ever find someone like Seonghwa?

Would any other dude cook for him? Would any other dude smile at him like he was the single most important thing in the entire fucking galaxy?

Even after Hongjoong said he couldn't go on a date with him because of work, Seonghwa just smiled and agreed to have any other night just for them.

Even after Hongjoong had done it plenty of times, Seonghwa still smiled.

Would any other dude make such lame jokes that Hongjoong laughed just because of how bad they were?

Would Hongjoong feel safe in the arms of any other man?

Would any other man kiss every freckle in his body, whispering how beautiful he was? Would Hongjoong get goosebumps just by hearing his voice?

As tears ran down his cheeks freely and he let himself just cry for the first time in days, Hongjoong realized just how utterly in love he was with Seonghwa.

Because the answer to those questions was always a no. Deep inside, he knew Seonghwa was the only man he wanted.

Why was it so difficult, then? To say it to Seonghwa's face. To tell him that, yes, he wanted Seonghwa to call him his boyfriend in front of everyone, he wanted to be Seonghwa's and Seonghwa's only.

The door of the studio bursted open, making him jump on his chair.

San was hugging him not a second after.

"If you didn't look like a kicked puppy, I would've fucking ripped your head off"

"Oh my god, why is he crying?"

Hongjoong just held on to San for dear life, feeling like he finally had somewhere safe to let his tears flow.

Mingi hugged both of them, with how big he was he probably didn't struggle much.

Hongjoong didn't know how much time they spent hugging, Hongjoong finding comfort in something as small as his friends' scents.

When he felt better, he tried his best to explain to his friends what had happened.

Mingi frowned, looking so confused, it was actually adorable.

"But you look like you want to eat him alive? He looks at you like he wants to kiss you? What was not clicking in that big head of yours?"

Hongjoong chuckled as he played with his fingers "I guess I am an idiot. I had to lose him to know my feelings and realize just how miserable I feel without him-"

"I think you're still scared that he's going to run away as soon as he gets to know you better. Like, uh, like Hejin did" San whispered the last part.

Hongjoong had to laugh.

Hejin? What did he had to do with anything?

"That was years ago, San"

Mingi gave San a cautious look as San straightened up to look at Hongjoong in the eye.

"You were never the same. Remember how destroyed you were? How you almost mess up your last year because you didn't want to show up to class? Remember how you kept saying that you would never commit to anything again?"

"It was- _jesus_ , it was a joke, i- I did commit to relationships after him-"

San lifted an eyebrow while Mingi just refused to meet his eyes.

"Fuck, okay. I refuse to believe that fucker broke my heart and messed up my entire romantic life, is still messing with it and will mess with it in the future"

San sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. Mingi imitated him, trying his best to look intimidating. Hongjoong almost got up to kiss his little adorable cheeks.

"You should go talk to him. Even if he tells you to fuck off, you need to get those feelings out of your chest"

"Yeah, we don't like to see you like this"

"What do I exactly look like?" asked Hongjoong, out of pure curiosity.

Mingi and San looked at each other and then back at him.

"Well...you look overworked, heartbroken-"

"And like you haven't showered in weeks- is that bread in your hair?" San frowned, bending down to pick at Hongjoong's hair.

It was, in fact, bread in his hair.

San clapped once "okay, enough of this bad pity party. We're going to go to your apartment, we're going to take a shower, we're going to dress nicely and we're going to fix this mess"

"I think you mean _he's_ going to take a shower, _he's_ going to dress nicely and _he's_ going to fix this mess"

"Well, yeah but we've got to make him feel our support, Mingi. I read it somewhere, I think-"

"You two are the most annoying people ever"

Mingi frowned as a pout formed on his lips, while San just looked ready to fight.

"But you are my best friends and I'm grateful for that"

Hongjoong smiled as two full grown men collapsed on top of him yelling about being best friends for life and how much they loved him.

"Okay, you're crushing me-"

They both laughed and stood up in front of him.

"So, what are you going to do?"

Hongjoong sighed and slowly stood up from his chair. He saved his progress in his laptop, even if it was all bad, Hongjoong still wanted to have it.

"I'm...I'm going to go and tell him how I feel, it doesn't matter how this ends. It has just...been such a long time since I felt something like this...he has to know"

"And, you know, you have us. We ain't some handsome guitarist but we're your best friends"

"Yeah!" Cheerfully added Mingi "we can go have champagne in our gay sleepovers"

Hongjoong put his laptop and all the papers inside his backpack and got out of the room. His friends followed him.

"I hope I didn't fuck this up beyond repair"

"I know you didn't" confidently said Mingi. Hongjoong rose an eyebrow at him "I recognize love when I see it, because I want to vomit"

San snorted and Hongjoong laughed, reaching up to mess with Mingi's hair.

They started to walk away.

Mingi had an arm around Hongjoong and San's shoulders. How did he do those humanly impossible things?

Hongjoong could look for an answer later. For now, he just wanted to get over that creeping fear inside of him and think of a way to thank his friends later.

-

Hongjoong let out a long sigh as he stood in front of Seonghwa's door.

He had taken a shower and his friends had helped him with the blisters, applying some cream San bought. He had said he needed that cream, as a dancer he got blisters all the time.

Hongjoong closed his eyes tightly and knocked twice.

The door opened a few seconds later and Hongjoong opened his mouth to talk but-

This wasn't Seonghwa.

It was Yunho.

Yunho pushed him back slightly and shut the door almost all the way.

"I sure hope you're here to ask him to be your boyfriend and apologize for being a dickhead who doesn't talk about his feelings"

Hongjoong was still a little taken back so he didn't respond. The bigger man put his hands in his waist like a mad parent.

"So? What are you going to do?"

Hongjoong snapped out of his own head "I'm- I'm here to talk about how I feel and to apologize. I'll tell him I'm in love with him and- and go or stay if he wants me to"

Yunho narrowed his eyes.

Jesus, this dude was so intimidating when he wanted to.

"Good. I'll live you alone for now but he's so fucking sad right now and if I see him like this ever again and it's your fault, I'm going to hunt you down and hang you from your mom's ceiling. Are we clear?"

He...didn't look like he was kidding.

Hongjoong just nodded.

"Okay, wait here"

Hongjoong bit his lower lip. He was glad but kind of scared that Seonghwa had a friend like Yunho.

Yunho went back inside and came out a few minutes later, followed by all his bandmates and Yeosang.

Well, almost all his bandmates.

Hongjoong could see Seonghwa standing there, in the middle of his living room, looking like he was going to cry-

Hongjoong stepped in the apartment, closed the door behind himself and immediately started to cry.

Seonghwa was holding him not a second later. Because he was Seonghwa and he was so fucking kind and forgiving.

Hongjoong didn't deserve any of this.

He didn't deserve to hold Seonghwa and be held by him, he didn't deserve Seonghwa's whispered apologies or the way he was telling Hongjoong how glad he was to have him back-

"I'm so relieved you don't hate me- i- I'm in love with you, Seonghwa. I'm so sorry, I had to hurt you to-"

Seonghwa pulled away and shut him up with a kiss, like Hongjoong always did.

It felt different.

It felt like the kiss was full of relief and just...love.

It made more tears run down Hongjoong's cheeks.

"It's all I wanted to hear. Thank your for coming back-"

Hongjoong frowned and almost pushed Seonghwa back-

"Even after I hurt you? You thank me for coming back but I should be the one thanking you-"

"Hongjoong-"

He snapped his mouth shut and looked up into Seonghwa's glassy eyes.

"You apologizing is just so unnecessary. I forgave you already, just by hearing you say you want me too. Let's just...talk, yeah? Let's be honest about our feelings" he smiled faintly and Hongjoong almost choked because of how beautiful he was "me first; I love you"

Hongjoong couldn't breathe-

"I'm scared. I know I- I love you but...would you wait for me? If I'm still scared and- and being an idiot-"

"I will but you should have told me you were scared. I would've understood-"

Hongjoong fell forward into Seonghwa's chest "it's just so complicated inside my head and I'm not sure of when will it stop being so complicated. I just know I love you"

Seonghwa shrugged, running a careful hand through Hongjoong's hair. He was smiling.

"That's enough for me. I choose to hold on to whatever it is that we have"

How did Hongjoong have the nerve to hurt the man before him? How did he even thought of not being by his side?

"I choose to hold on to you"

Hongjoong thought he didn't deserve any of this but he was so, so grateful that he had it.

Hongjoong choose to hold on to Seonghwa, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


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